Inadequacy yet success … this has been the recurring theme of my year. How about yours?
At this time of year, I find it helpful to look back over the past twelve months. The good old Ignition ‘Examen’ exercise is helpful. Some prompts can be found in this article: https://www.ignatianspirituality.com/20131/examen-prayer-for-the-year
I won’t share all of my ‘Examen for the year’ ponderings with you. However, I would like to touch on a few highlights.
Gratitude
There is a great deal for which I am very thankful. So-called ‘work’ in 2018 has involved spending lots of time with special people in places near and dear to my heart. (Let’s not mention the admin.) I’ve had several more ‘all clear’ post-cancer checks. The study I’ve undertaken through the Melbourne School of Theology this past year has been practical and thought-provoking. Being diagnosed with a gluten sensitivity has been liberating in terms of improved health, although it makes travel more challenging. Enjoying community, getting some traction with writing and time at home have also been highlights.
I’m well aware, however, that 2018 has been what the queen of England would call an ’annus horribilis’ for several friends. I wish desperately that things were different. One day they will be … but not yet. None of us are exempt from what these friends have been through this past year. Their experiences echo the words of the apostle Paul:
“We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies.” (Romans 8:22-23 NIV)
Emotions
The examen guidelines suggest that you consider emotions experienced over the past year. To my surprise, I realised that time after time after time, I had found myself feeling frustrated and inadequate, yet was happily surprised by how things turned out in the end. There is a lesson in that, don’t you think?
‘Inadequacy yet success’ was a theme in matters including finances, time management, travel plans both at home and abroad, wanting so very much to ‘fix’ whatever I possibly could for friends who were struggling and more. I could relate story after story to illustrate this point, but will tell just one.
I wanted to travel from mid September to mid October, and had offered to help with certain activities during this time. But a medical appointment, a family celebration and a simple ‘gut feeling’ convinced me to delay my trip by a couple weeks. I felt a bit of a failure in that I was letting others down by reneging on a commitment made months earlier. And I was sad to miss what I thought would be a very special opportunity.
Who could have foreseen that I would be in just the right place at just the right time on at least four separate occasions during that trip to support friends through … er … interesting times. And that the activities I had wanted to be there for would be cancelled for reasons quite unrelated to my changed plans. Even in my inadequacy, God brought about success … not in terms of my plans being realised, but his.
Salvation and strength … under certain conditions
As I reflected and prayed about this theme of ‘inadequacy yet success’, I was reminded of a verse which I thought I knew well … but it turns out I had been missing a phrase.
The verse as I remembered it is this: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength….” (Isaiah 30:15b NIV). The bit I was missing, however, is a dire warning.
Consider these words of Isaiah earlier in the same chapter:
“Woe to the obstinate children,” declares the Lord, “to those who carry out plans that are not mine….” (Isaiah 30:1a NIV, my emphasis)
And then I got to the verse I remembered … but notice the extra line I was missing earlier:
“In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.” (Isaiah 30:15 NIV my emphasis)
Thankfully, Isaiah chapter 30 ends with a note of hope, because God remains faithful to his own and responds as soon as his people call out for help.
Looking back and looking forward
A sense of inadequacy is not bad, actually, because when you’re out of your depth, you rely on God. It would save wasted energy, though, if we could avoid feeling frustrated in the midst it.
As I look back on the year, I am grateful that God has used me in a variety of ways, though not always as I had planned. As I look ahead to the new year, I am asking for the grace to recognise what God is doing in my community and eagerness to be part of his plans. It’s not that I won’t plan. It’s just that I will hold my plans lightly.
I suspect that the theme of ‘inadequacy yet success’ will continue. Take my resolution for the new year as an example. It is typical of the new year’s resolution of many middle-aged women – an increased focus on health and fitness. To this end, I had considered buying a FitBit in the Boxing Day sales, but then decided against it because I like wearing my watch. (I didn’t want to wear both.) However, two days before Christmas, I thought I had lost my watch on a street somewhere. So I bought the FitBit and … yes, you guessed it … found the watch at home within hours of making the purchase. I hadn’t lost it after all … I’d only forgotten where I left it. I’m enjoying the FitBit and am already more active because of it. But I am also delighted to still have my pretty watch to wear from time to time. Inadequacy yet success … again.
A blessing for 2019
As 2018 rolls into 2019, I wish each of us a sense of God’s hand on our lives. May we enjoy playing a part in God’s plans. And may we experience deep contentment, come what may in 2019.
As God said to Israel back in Isaiah’s day, “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength….” But I am missing the last phrase again.
Unlike the people of Isaiah’s day, may it NOT be said ‘… but you would have none of it.” Instead, may we enjoy God’s salvation and strength, whatever the year may hold.